I always say good traders remember every trade!!!!
So, professionally, I remember where everything was in the markets in June '85 (Dollar on the MOON), July 1986, Ocotber 1987, 2/1/94, and 2/2/94 (fed raised rates that day) --- I remember fed funds at 22 1/2% (1982) and I remember them at 1% !!!!!
And, it seems on this walk my memory is serving me well on my personal side as well. How's this for a sentence--ready-- I do not remember the last time I remembered the story about my Mom and the Acme candy story, but somehow it popped into my head yesterday!!!!!!
I guess one of my lessons for myself on this walk is it's good to take time to remember, and it's good not to forget, where you came from. Somehow, I'm not sure exactly how, but somehow it helps you GET where you're going!!!!!!
Me, I know I'm going to Santiago, I think I'm going to Finisterre, and I hope (my wife REALY hopes) I'm going back to work!!!!!!
I guess that leads me to where we are ultimately going-- not Santiago, not work, but that ashes to ashes thing. That ultimate --Heaven, afterlife, wherever you may be headed---
I've been circling this subject, and now this morning my mind is on it for some reason. Memory and memories of where I came from brought me back to times with my father..
I was thinking yesterday about those people that impact you-- about how it is to be sitting at a funeral and talking with people about him/her, the one in the coffin, or "for whom the bell tolls". And I thought about how dumb it is to be sitting in the pew/seat at a memorial service and talking to God-- "God, if you get a chance, tell XYZ how great they were to me and thank them for being such a great influence"--
It's just so much better to let them know when they're still here---but sometimes death just shows up without notice and BOOM-- or POOF, and a bright light in your life goes out (not yours if your reading this, thankfully).
Well I got to thinking about how I'm all happy and on sabbatical and how blessed I've always been---i mean, seriously, am I not the LUCKIEST guy on the planet?? Where's my "pain"-- have I really, REALLY, EVER, had any. Most of what others might have considered tough circumstances were to me natural, so I didn't have one's appreciation for "tough".
What about disappointment, failure, mistakes, errors, sins, etc-- I mean, c'mon, no one's life is perfect, and I've had enough failures/setbacks/disappointment (you think I was HAPPY with GTown's rejections of my dreams???)---.
WHAT ABOUT LOSING, TOM???
One thing I learned when I was part of all that winning when I was young was HOW TO LOSE!!!!! With dignity, grace, and determination to OVERCOME-- You accept defeat, on the field and in life, and you try to learn more from that than you do from success. It's called CHARACTER BUILDING in some corners, and I've had more than my share. But it seems as though I am really blessed with the faith that gives me an optimistic view of these setbacks, because that optimism has been rewarded with a NEW path that took away the pain, dejection or whatever of the old path's end. It's "LIFE LESSONS" that I've learned and get to continue to keep on learning as my old path's get closed and my new paths continue (hopefully, I pray) to open.
But that doesn't seem to happen with DEATH. Death is a finality that doesn't lend itself to optimism, as I see it. There is no "well try harder" next time with death. Finality, finito--
Yes, there's talk of salvation, redemption, resurrection ( and I'm not minimizing that salvation in any way) and people say all the right things, but you're still sitting there with this finality like no other.
I did a pretty good job of both avoiding and ignoring death for most of first 28 years that I didn't even recognize it when it was staring me in the face, in the eyes of my father and his lung cancer. It was June, 1988, and I remember a few nights before he died in the hospital in Toms River, and I remember watching the Mets with him and my baby girl with me, and we had a good time like always. And so I just adjusted to this new setting without a thought of "the end is near". A few nights later (he'd been in the hospital for about three weeks), the night before he died, before I left for home I asked him if he would like some ice cream-- and he said yes, so I gave him some, and then I went downstairs to the shop and bought five more small dixie cups-- because I didn't want him to wake up that night and want some more without it being there. And I'm handing five dixie cups to the nurse and she looks at me and says "do you know how sick your dad is"?-- HELLO, wake UP!! Well, I was awake, but I was just SO UNAWARE-- and I chalk it up to my naivete or whatever, but I just hadn't even THOUGHT about MY DAD DYING--people die, sure, and I'd been to plenty of funerals, starting from when I was an altar boy in the church at 12 yrs old. And I was fairly familiar with the scripture reading "In my Father's house there are many dwelling places" and the other funeral selections, but this mainly applied to OTHERS. And early the next morning I am meeting death for the first time in a way that was so very, very painful-- and although I had 2 brothers and a sister I was so much younger than them we all "knew" each other, but I never thought that we like "grew" up together. And then I saw their pain too, and then I realized no matter how much we didn't know each other, we sure had this person, our dad, in common today. I could see they felt the same anguish, pain, and sorrow I did. And what could we do for my Mom, who all along had talked about how they were moving to Florida and then all would be good. Then, POOF.
Well, amidst all that optimism, all those blessings, ALL the GRACE GOD has given me, when HE takes something away with DEATH it is quite painful. But, I've learned, it is part of life, and what we experience in life.
So that woke me up to this aspect of life that was fortunately peripheral to my life, but now was a core part of my experience, and one that I was really praying would be extremely infrequent and with grace.
Once you go through it you are better able to deal with it, that's probably all I can say. (I'm not saying RUSH into it, either, so you know the experience). And I know terminal illness is a terrible burden, but I've seen many people deal with it in such a graceful and beautiful way that I almost consider it a true blessing to be able to share --to help "carry one to Jesus" or wherever your faith says one goes-- and they get to say GOODBYE--some have even written incredible books that they have shared, which is insight and help for any of us who are dealing with it. I recognized death when my buddy Bakes was dying, and it was incredibly sad and Luke and I knew after a long and courageous battle that fate was taking it's turn with Bakes, his family, and us. But we did get to say goodbye, and we did know, to the degree we wanted to, what was happening.
However, this other "death" event, where when one goes to work one day, and you say "have a good day" while getting off the ferry boat to your friends (or you just get off the phone with your friend!!) and then planes fly into buildings--or when one goes to sleep one night and doesn't wake up the next day-- those sudden events have a whole, unexpected aspect to death that I find even more frightening and fearful.
Bottom line, Death is death however you break it down--- I fear death in every form, despite my optimistic outlook on life. I was even a little scared that song "I'm ready" showed up early on this trip-- and I think I made it clear I'm NOT READY for death-- I have so much more to do, as do we all. I'm so optimistic I've had my wish, should God grant it, for my departure from this world into the next to happen many, many years from now (+50 would be ideal) while sitting on a sunny beach listening to a favorite 80th generation IPOD tune in a deep, deep napping sleep and simply "fade away"--
Okay, so that's my wish. And I find myself on occasion always praying for safety, for me, my family and friends, etc-----
More frequently, not less, it seems, the parents of my friends are getting older and the concept, topic, and event of death is showing up nearby. All you can do is be the friend you are, and give the love and care you have to give. I always thought it was important to simply "show up" whenever a friend, colleague, or aquaintance had suffered a loss of any kind-- as I remember (there's that word again) how grateful I was for all my colleague's who went out of their way from NY to show up in Toms River for me. It's in me.
It's so permanent, it's sad. But while painful to think about my dad's death, even today, on this Camino, one has to give thanks for the blessings on experiences with that person while they are here. Time does seem to help heal those wounds, and new paths do open up, but it stays with you in some way, shape or form.
And it's a little scary here on the Camino, because the word suicide has shown up with a few people I've spoken with. They are glad they are on the Camino--and so am I, I tell them--so the word is a fleeting "past tense" usage, but I try and impress upon them the theme that you always have people who LOVE you so much more than YOU KNOW, and there is always a Camino out there waiting, no mater how DARK the darkness on the egde is. NO MATTER HOW DARK---and I think they agree-now.
I guess it's important to make sure people get on a good CAMINO and meet good people should they living in that DARKNESS--- Based on my experiences here in Spain this is an incredible place to meet people who open the skies to light--- I mean, I have no idea what most of the people I've met do, but I know they have a spark for life and are ready for where it takes them. That's age 19 through age 68, from ireland, england, USA, Spain, France, italy, Japan and all those other countries I've mentioned----so I've got a wide breadth of exposure to form this opinion.
Sometimes we all go through this type of DARKNESS, and I'm praying for the pain to subside. I'm just a walking man, but here we are in Spain talking about life, and now, death.
"But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars"-- Who said that?
???
No one ever get's this one, either (refering to my "when was the civil war" question if you're really a blog reader).
???
I remember Martin Luther King's (if I had ONE hero growing up, it probably would be him-- and I remember EXACTLY where I was on 4/4/68) speech just before he died, about how "like any man I would like to have a long life-- I think he said "longevity has it's place" and "I have been to the mountaintop"--"and I have seen the promised land".
And that night in Memphis (it was 4/3/68) MLK talked about many things--the dark before we can see the stars, and he spoke of the Good Samaritan. He imagined why the other's passed the man in need while the Good Samaritan stopped and helped. MLK said it was "fear".
Fear for safety, or something else.
Fear is common in regard to safety and life.
But I take comfort in his words, spoken so courageously and prophetically on the eve of his death--and his faith and confidence in God's will.
THIS MAN had no fear!!! GOD's WILL be done!!! And his KNOWING we will all get to the Promised Land.
I pray we have a happy and safe and longlasting life, and we accomplish a lot of those "WHY am I HERE" things during that long life, and then a graceful, painless and dignified exit from it.
I'm an optimist, what do you expect me to be praying for!!!! But, accepting that fear that I have, I trust that every day I apply myself to the "why I am here" that certainly, if nothing else, "God's will" will be done. And that lighten's my fear a little bit, and it makes a long walk lighter too.
From just about halfway,
Peace
TT
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